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Guilt

Since my last post, I have made a lot of headway, written and recorded a couple of songs, made some flyers. I hit another wall again. I'm amazed how easily it is for me to become emotionally constipated but it makes sense because of certain things I know I'm suppressing. I'm hoping that hashing some of those things that are okay to pick apart on here will help me clear that road block again. It's kind of hard to edit the music files when they get close to finished because I keep having, "system overload", error.
[October 24]
I woke up in the middle of the night and randomly thought of something I feel great guilt over. Analyzing how terrible it was, what I did; And how it must have felt; And what the fuck I was actually thinking- how stupid I was. I know I am forgiven by God, but I am not as easily forgiven by myself. I can’t get over it. God I am soo sorry, I wish I could take it back. I don’t think I fully realized what I was doing, but on some level I did. maybe that level is now, and I’m mixing it up I am a monster. I have to allow myself to think about it sometimes when it comes up, otherwise it will intrude and dominate my mind. I am so disgusted by myself and what I did. I know I have killed that part of myself, which is how I now cannot fathom my actions. The only thing I can say to possibly get past this, is that I am truly and deeply remorseful; And, I have a very long life to live. If I’m going to be someone better, I can’t dwell on this and tear myself apart. I know that I will never do anything like that again, and I have to take solace in that truth.

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Eyedea
wrecktangle
Kismet Witstatic
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