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Whole Conversation/Analysis/Ammendment





Crostarie:
I think at the heart of all this is what happened to you as a child and trying to recreate or role play what happened to you as a child is really what I cannot overcome. To even visit something like that where I played into a role like that or similar to that is what will always prevent me from doing it. It makes me so sad that happened to you but I'm not going to be able live with myself if I try to pretend 
 Kismet Witstatic:
It didn’t happen to me as a child though
I didn’t get spanked
Crostarie:
It did you said a long time ago the motivation for spanking was because of your molestation. Remember we got into heated argument about it? 
 Kismet Witstatic:
I don’t think thats true because I had a spanking fetish since before I was molested.
Crostarie:
I won't ever be able to get past that statement 
 Kismet Witstatic:
no matter what, my molestation is going to flavor my sexuality. It was my first, second, third and fiftieth sexual experience. How can you expect it not to have an effect on me?
so just because I was molested, it means you think I don’t deserve to be satistfied
thats fucked up.
Crostarie:
You can't have a fetish for spanking in sexual terms that your are seeking from diapers. The brain can't have a sexual need for spanking at that age it's impossible. 
Crostarie:
Second where we disagree here is that you are wanting to pursue your sexual satisfaction because the 1st-50th experiences happened and I think that is unhealthy to relive. Using sex which by the way is not between an adult and a child but an adult and a adult to recreate those first experiences may trigger a lot of negative emotions from you that would cause me to feel guilty for doing. I already feel guilty and have a very bad weight of guilt on my heart out there by me and this would ultimately contribute to a mental breakdown. The thought of ever doing that to a child is repulsive but the thought of me doing that or the successful recreation of me doing that is unforgivable. It would kill me literally. 
Crostarie:
For me to roleplay I have to believe I am the person I am portraying or not do it all

 Kismet Witstatic:
well if we were ever together, would it matter for you to fulfill me?
Crostarie:
Yes but that is something I cannot do so therefore is that is a required item I would never be able to fulfill you
 Kismet Witstatic:
Its weird that you could bring yourself to even have sex with me at all, you know, if I close my eyes for just a second I get flashbacks sometimes
 Kismet Witstatic:
There is a human yearning for things to tie together and make sense, and thats one thing I feel like this was born from, and I think it is a lot colder of you to abandon that little girl and refuse to interact with her on any level, than to give her what she wants/thinks she needs, as someone she’s not mistaken to trust
Its not a want, its a need. I don’t care how perverted you think it is, It is something I need, and it is a fixed part of who I am. You knew that
Crostarie:
It is something that I know to not be a need for anybody.  If you need that then you should find out the reason of needing with a trauma counselor so that desire naturally fades. Do you have a need to kill or a need to start fires? What if I said that I have a need to rape little dogs would you provide your dog to fulfill my needs? 

I am providing that little girl what she needs and what she should have had. Which is to not engage in sexual activity with children. 
I won't be a part of that and your adult side should put the little girl in her place as a child know not what they want or need until they have matured
And that is indisputable
Anybody who thinks I am wrong has core foundation repair needed. 
 Kismet Witstatic:
how dare you compare it to raping little dogs
your calling me a fucking rapist
I fucking give up
goodbye
YOU’RE WRONG
how fucking dare you
Crostarie:
Re read the messages with the adult side of you and when you come to your senses you will see that I never called you a rapist or implied that you were
 Kismet Witstatic:
I read it 3 times, how fucking dare you. YOU’RE SO MISERABLY WRONG.
YOU REREAD WHAT YOU FUCKING SAID TO ME!!!!!!!
Crostarie:
How dare you think it's ok to want to generate what happened to you which was being molested to being a need and is healthy
 Kismet Witstatic:
its not even like that
YOURE WRONG
you twisted what I even ever told you
I swear
Crostarie:
It is like that you said so
 Kismet Witstatic:
I am LIVID
YOU FUCKING TWISTED EVERYTHING
YOU DON’T KNOW ME AND YOU NEVER WILL
Crostarie:
Oh yeah well so am I. And I haven't twisted shit. 
 Kismet Witstatic:
you did
Crostarie:
I guess not. 
 Kismet Witstatic:
you closed minded fucking prick
you twisted EVERYTHING
Crostarie:
Go ahead and insult me with your dirty mouth as a child would you don't know any different
 Kismet Witstatic:
I’m so stupid for ever trying to explain myself to you
Crostarie:
And I was so stupid to think that you would be able  to overcome and move on in a healthy manner
You want to keep it up???
 Kismet Witstatic:
You know how you really make me feel? Like I don’t deserve to be loved the way I am
Crostarie:
Come on I got all day and I'm full of rage
I don't have that power and for you to have given that power to me is your own fault
 Kismet Witstatic:
that is SO FUCKED UP! he never even spanked me. He’s the first one who stripped me naked and humiliated me, and YOU KNOW WHAT? i LIKED IT.
Crostarie:
If I did then I would rule the world 
Of course you did how would you know otherwise
 Kismet Witstatic:
now you’re saying that any part of me that gets turned on from something that turned me on is wrong and you don’t want to be a part of any of it-- but identity begins from the beginning
so now every time I take my clothes off, and get this little twinge of humiliation and excitement, I’m wrong!?@
Crostarie:
He didn't harm you or scare you he gained your trust then took advantage
 Kismet Witstatic:
How exactly are you to sift such details 
but he never spanked me. Thats my own fetish
A part of a fantasy of spanking is being humiliated. Being made to stand naked on display to be viewed and enjoyed like artwork, but he never spanked me.
I remember already being into spanking though- sometimes I would try to give him ideas. “you’re not going to spank me😨....are you😏?
Crostarie:
And the fetish is fueled by the molestation!!!! They can't be mixed!!!!! It is not healthy to mix!!'nb
 Kismet Witstatic:
I dont understand that logic
I think it is impossible for you to sift every detail of what stimulates every little sensation of mine, and it was foolish of me to go back so far and tell you so many things that I will never tell another soul as long as I live 
I understand now why people keep this shit hella secret. I’m not wrong for what happen to me. It’s not wrong that I enjoyed it, and It makes sense that it contributes to who I am today
I’ve forgiven him, and I’ve wept for the pain he must have been caused to have been led to do this to me, but forgiveness doesn’t automatically erase everything
HE NEVER SPANKED ME
WHAT I WANT IS WHAT I WANT. ITS DIFFERENT/. HOW IS IT EVEN THE SAME? HE NEVER SPANKED ME!

How can you expect me to separate myself from myself? Its not fair

Crostarie:
The fetish of spanking is being fueled by your childhood experience. You said that yourself

 Kismet Witstatic:
You are twisting it omg

 Kismet Witstatic:
You are guilty too. The way you took me off your FaceBook for shit i never did because of what the f**k 

Crostarie:
You said it omg this is whAt we argued about way back when and will argue about again. Last time it wasn't me being twisted it was you saying there is nothing wrong with that

 Kismet Witstatic:
The thing that stemmed from my molestation is the humiliation thing

And i still think theres nothing wrong with that. 

Crostarie:
I am guilty I know this. And perhaps some day very soon the scales of justice will stop and justice be served upon my guilt
Very soon

 Kismet Witstatic:
I just don't see why i would try to explain to you again 

Obviously you think i don't deserve to be whole
So i'll just leave it at that 

Crostarie:
Obviously you are assuming and obviously your putting words into my mouth. 
Fear not for the guilty shall pay for the sins in eternal separation from God. 

  Kismet Witstatic:
I made the stupid choice to confide things in you that you have derived your own meaning from, and are now using against me
The seed may have been planted where and however it was, but it continued to grow as i grew, and fueled every last masturbation session of mine, and it is something i am well within my rights to say i need. - not to be mistaken for a dog rapist, mind you.  

It may have started in something unwholesome but it didn't end there 

Im not saying it did- because i do believe you strongly misunderstood me. Maybe i didn't express it right. You know it was all my own guessing and exploratory observation but now I know that as long as i never tell anyone else- they won't come to the same conclusions as you, and my desire to be spanked will be acceptable 

So tell me what this whole thing is with you and hell? What happen 

Crostarie:
Perhaps you just find somebody who is into spanking. That person will not be and I am sorry that it won't be. Maybe if that person who is really into spanking will have a similar exp that is what you endured. You both would then be on the same level of knowing how it feels. to have that taboo desire  fulfilled  and that would make both of you fulfill each other's needs. I am guilty for not being the protector of an injured person when they thought they could depend on me. Both with you and everybody around me. The guilt has swallowed me into darkness and there I will stay until it takes me or am found. 

 Kismet Witstatic:
I just wish you would drop the whole past i shared with you- and just see the spanking fetish for what it is now

And damn it drop it. someone doesn't need to share in my past to understand

And why does me being fixed have to include me being deprived of something i so desperately crave? Thats what really gets to me. But damn it, I'm dropping it too

This shit has the potential to completely murder our friendship and i don't want to 
I don't want to

Crostarie:
Please do not ask me to see or take your side on this subject again

  Kismet Witstatic:
Dead

You try to be this self righteous overglorified fucking hero and you dismiss all your wrongs by mentioning hell: its just a fucking out for you 

Dead dead gone goodbye 

Crostarie:
That was viscous and cruel to set me up like that. You will answer to karma for that

 Kismet Witstatic:
 Set you up? You fucking set me up and you are not a hero. Far be it from you too


First of all, I’m sorry for saying that the friendship was dead. You mean way too much to me to give up on. I’ll respect that you never want to spank me, and I’ll stop trying to get you to come to my side, but I still want you to understand me.

When you made the reference to the murderer, arsonist, and rapist, I went into a blind rage. I was afraid to fully read anything you said after that. I didn’t see what you wrote about it being your attempt to express how disgusted you were by what happen to me, until this morning. It still preyed on a deep seated fear in me to never become the predator. Even with the perspective of what you meant by it, The statement does portray me as predatory- Either toward myself, or the person I’m asking to spank me.

What i initially said about my fetish being related to my molestation, was very miscommunicated..
In no way did I mean that I wanted to reenact my molestation. The thing from my molestation, that influenced my spanking fetish, is the idea that the only acceptable premise for which I am to be exposed to someone, is to be spanked. My mom spanked me occasionally, and I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt, that she loved me very much, and I trusted her implicitly. This is how I equated spanking to be an act of ultimate love and trust. Later on in my childhood, the desire was reinforced when she would tell me to wait downstairs for, “the spanking of my life”. Always on a weekend day, which were the only days I really got to spend with her, so I would start to really miss her, and crave her attention. Meanwhile, she was getting a lot of housework done with me out of her hair.
--
You never truly understood what I was attempting to express with my child and adult duality. When I was from age 5-16, I was a very sexual being. When I was raped at 16, I shut my kink down in the name of safety. I felt that every sexual feeling I ever felt, was weakness and vulnerability. Unlike my childhood experiences,- (how I admitted to you that i found excitement in it); The rape was extremely painful for 4 hours. ((My head slammed against the wall with every pump, and he tried to force a bottle inside me, it wouldn’t fit and he just kept slamming it into me.))
So its not that I want to pretend I’m a child, It’s that I want to approach sexuality from the part of my identity that existed prior to the rape.
I realize that I was technically still a child at 16, (not biologically), but it is the ‘self’ I refer to as adult, because it began forming a nurturing and protective essence inside me, which developed traits that define a woman .
The person who took my virginity was very gentle. (It was about a month before the rape). Other consensual sexual experiences I’ve led as an adult were completely ruined by flashbacks of the rape, with any sensation of pain. Any time I closed my eyes. It started to feel like I was raping myself, to initiate these experiences. I always wanted to stop it the very second it began, but I wouldn’t allow myself to make that request out of respect for my partner’s fulfillment. I would ask him to finish though, and he would.
[With Vixen, it was hard to make certain distinctions, because she would draw it out for way too long.When we first got together, and I noticed I was always the one who ended the sex, I tried to last until she ended it. She would get so angry with me because I would have to use the bathroom or I just straight up wanted the sex to be over. I would flip it up, and try to pleasure her when I had enough, but she said she was “the giver”, and was only satisfied that way.]

The thing I want to reconstitute from the spanking, is the craving attention. I have a very hard time wanting to be touched. It would be really helpful for me in a relationship, if something could make me desire this kind of attention. Spanking does that. It stimulates my sexual organs, without being directly sexual.

Something directly sexual, or that I perceive as leading to sexual behavior, like being held, kissed, sitting on a lap,- bring on intense panic, and sense of impending doom. I haven’t ever been able to want or enjoy these things without the loophole of spanking. Someone spanking me, informs my body and brain, that my physical boundaries are being crossed in a trustworthy, loving manner, while also stimulating blood flow to my sexual region, making me crave more sexual stimulation.

I can accept you never wanting to actually engage in that with me, if that’s how you feel, but I couldn’t commit to your request of never asking you to “see” my side. I want you to understand me so bad. I really don’t want to throw away our whole friendship because you decided you don’t want to spank me. That’s disappointing, but ultimately fine. I just really want you to believe it’s okay for me to want/need to be spanked. It’s something I do enjoy, and I don’t think there is any possible way for the desire to be removed. I really don’t want it to go away. I like it so much. It also does this extra thing for me, because I am so self-admonishing, to hand that role over to someone who loves me, so that I can feel punished enough that I don’t feel the need to torture myself. That I can feel the permission to give my control away.
There is a place inside me, where self-control goes rogue, with rigid stiffness, and tension. There is a release/relax I get from finally being given a break from that authority.

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