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I have just been feeling so depressed lately. I haven't been compassionate toward myself about this because I don't understand why now. At this moment, I have more blessings to count, than I have had for the last two years. My mom is finally cancer free, and that's huge. I feel like an ass for admitting that I am still terrified of it coming back. I've spoken to friends very briefly on the subject; They all say what I'm thinking: Appreciate the moment. This is what I've even said to my mom when she expressed this fear to me. It's solid advice. Easier said than done.
Usually I am completely unable to sit and watch a TV show while I'm on my meds. It means to me, that my energy level is detrimentally low. I have had this throbbing migraine for 3 days, which nauseates me. I took one of my mom's really strong pain pills and it didn't help at all. I hate that about pills, like how only ibuprofen takes care of cramps, better than anything. I mean, I like how there are things that work, it's just maddening how there isn't one thing that works for everything. I'll narrow it down to say, One pain reliever that relieves all types of pain. It could be worse. Its just that I feel like I'm grasping at strands of the person I once was, which wasn't enough yet then. I want to be more than that, not less.

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