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For the Mom'ent

Being the damsel in distress is not my fantasy. I kick ass adequately so-lo(w); Just so you know. I'd rather have my 'one and only', watch as I sweep the villains off this surface.
I don't need a hero; I am a hero.

I have a lot on my mind. I realize that I let too much time go by between entries when I can't cover everything I wanted to address.

Last thanksgiving, my grandpa died of COPD, or possibly, heart failure? My grandma liked the idea of heart failure better than him drowning in his own lungs... I digress. The day before thanksgiving this year, my mom was admitted (for 3 days) into the hospital, for pneumonia in both of her lungs,-they called it "double pneumonia", as well as the flu. Her diagnoses didn't include "COPD", but it was also not ruled out. Doctors also found a 13 inch, node producing mass that runs down the front of her body, (Starting beneath her breasts, ending above her pelvis). They suspect it cancer because "usually" if it were benign it wouldn't be producing nodes.
This upsets me greatly, because it presents a possibility of her dying sooner than I ever imagined. It's always, 'the hope', that a child outlive their parent. I thought I eventually, by the terms of this hope, would be confronted with her inevitable bereavement; but not soon! I mean, my grandma's mom died when my grandma was 68 years old. My grandma is, God willing, still goin' strong, and my mom is currently 53. I imagined that I would be closer to that age range before having to lose my mom. I thought that maybe, since I was an only child until I turned 22, being that; I am an only child: I would be blessed with having this singular person, (who knows and loves me more vastly, than any other mortal could attempt to,) would be with me throughout the majority of my lifetime. Say, she lives until she's 92, then I could live to 87; meaning we would spend the same amount of time (27 years), living in this world without the other. We could push my lifespan 10 longer even, since I get the clear advantage of possessing her memory throughout my time apart from her. Isn't that a good deal? I think it's feasable. I feel you should consider it, Ampa

-
I need to start asking myself whether the time and effort given to specific pursuits throughout my life, is worth whatsoever is gained.
Measurement is a profound issue for me though, in a plethora of ways. How do I know what exactly is gained from each of these things, when I often cannot discern my objective? How do I know the difference between what I do, because it's in God's plan; and what I do of my free will? Am I wasting my potential, or refining it?
This quote goes deeper into those feelings, defending both sides of my inner argument. I receive it differently each time I read it.
"58. Going With The Flow

Zen Tarot Card
Going With The Flow

When I say "become water" I mean become a flow; don't remain stagnant. Move, and move like water. Lao Tzu says: The way of the Tao is a watercourse way. It moves like water. What is the movement of water? or of a river? The movement has a few beautiful things about it. One, it always moves towards the depth, it always searches for the lowest ground. It is non-ambitious; it never hankers to be the first, it wants to be the last. Remember, Jesus says: Those who are the last here will be the first in my kingdom of God. He is talking about the watercourse way of Tao--not mentioning it, but talking about it. Be the last, be non-ambitious. Ambition means going uphill. Water goes down, it searches for the lowest ground, it wants to be a nonentity. It does not want to declare itself unique, exceptional, extraordinary. It has no ego idea.

Osho Take it Easy, Volume 1 Chapter 14
Commentary:

The figure in this card is completely relaxed and at ease in the water, letting it take him where it will. He has mastered the art of being passive and receptive without being dull or sleepy. He is just available to the currents of life, with never a thought of saying "I don't like that," or "I prefer to go the other way." Every moment in life we have a choice whether to enter life's waters and float, or to try to swim upstream. When this card appears in a reading it is an indication that you are able to float now, trusting that life will support you in your relaxation and take you exactly where it wants you to go. Allow this feeling of trust and relaxation to grow more and more; everything is happening exactly as it should."
--

I am so socially awkward. I have a non-relationship with my cousins, that I take the entire blame for the lack of. I somehow see that past in an ego-removed way, where I am honestly able to acknowledge, and criticize my faults. I know this about myself, in order to apply it to my present; Being that the identical awkwardness between A& I, is of my creation. I am shy, whereas, I find him to be reserved for reasons outside of shyness. He seems confident, not timid. I'm timid. I am intermittently, and doubtfully-assertive, (which is an outright oxymoron). Ah well, Identity contradictions make a person more understanding, overall; I think. I try to have compassion toward myself. At some point, I can't avert from knowing that 'hating' only makes things worse. There are infinite possibilities. Wow, when I typed that line, "there are infinite possibilities.", It had a worrisome, negative connotation, but the simple neutrality of the line becomes eloquent.
Nicely.
..for the moment.

I can persuade myself to be sincere; For selfish, egotistical reasons: When you are appreciated in your purest, raw form; Barely screening your flow of thought; too intoxicated, amplified emotion impels you to be candid with your expression. -The reward payout for your ego is phenomenally greater than any acceptance gained by disingenuous conformity, trying to 'fit in'.

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