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Hope Poops

Dogs are some pretty awesome best friends. So... I'm thinking God is answering the prayer. A bunch of stuff went on with my grandma that I was unaware of until yesterday; When it had already been said and done for awhile. Good stuff, I would never be displeased to learn. The surgeon decided that her colostomy bag was not necessarily going to be permanent. If it was- She was going to refuse the TPN bags that are keeping her aLive. She was going to come home and die. The surgeon told her that if she could get into the shape she was in before the first surgery; He would repair her colon. Only the bottom half had died. Although this worries me; Especially since he added that his colleagues would think he was crazy- which punctuates this as a risk. I am glad to have my grandma striving for life and health again. That means a lot to me. I'm no fool when it comes to such valuable things. I need to pick her brain and get her to tell me all the stories of where she got all her necklaces and handkerchiefs. I tried on a necklace and earring set in her room. I need to know the story! It's all I want of it; The most valuable part of it.

Funny sick sad? Truth: I don't necessarily want love. I just want love to want me; Then I call it an idiot, and run away. Hah. It has become a lot less complicated, simply because I don't care anymore. I don't care! One of these days, love will come along, and I won't want to run away. I let the image of float away. I thought it was good for me, it may have been at some point. It was driving me crazy. Life was driving me crazy anyways. I thought the idea of him could help me stay motivated to get out-but where is out? And how far do I want to go? I am kind of glad to be around to help take care of my grandma. Ahh..The reason I still bring him up is because I still have my fantasies of him. I'm trying to transition it just enough to be a phantom, or someone else with subtly similar features, but it's not just his face. Those fantasies don't feel like they're completely from me. Every fantasy is a little bit different. The energy I have with whoever I fantasize about is completely unique, and the fantasies I have of him are the most amazing ones I've ever had.

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