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Arrow terror

Continuation... Febuary 25, 2009
My dog Arrow died, and it freaked me out so bad for more reasons than the situation in itself contains. My grandma, in an effort to comfort me; Informed me that the pain I felt when she dies in the future wouldn't be any more than the pain I was having as my dog died (A slow agonizing crying howling torture of a death). My mom was supposed to be visiting the very next day and I was trying to make him survive until she got to come say her goodbye.

I felt extremely guilty for this; I was in extreme denial over what I was witnessing as he died with me that night. I proceeded to have vivid nightmares of scenarios where I would try to "put him out of his misery" by hitting him in the head with a broomstick or some damn thing that is completely inappropriate for that. It was the type of nightmare like reliving a memory, watching myself take actions, no control; Just regret intensified because i disagree from the beginning, but cant stop myself; Can't look away, fly blind? Yeah right! So in this nightmare I watch myself hit him, and hurt him and over again, but never successfully "put him out of his misery". When I would wake up, I couldn't tell which scenario really happen. I was glad that I chose to take pictures of him on his last morning, even though it was a tabu thing of me to do while his tongue was blue. Without them, I honestly believe I would never have been able to remember the right truth.

I was so ashamed of my selfishness. Holding on to him, hoping he stays longer (in suffering), when he deserves to have relief. I was all alone, talking to my mom on the phone across the country, holding our howling elderly puppy; Mom tells me to go to the 24hr pet hospital and have him put to sleep. I didn't want to. Alone?! I couldn't. My friend was there with me (ish), pretending to be sound asleep through all of my dog's cries and my sobbing. I tried to "wake him up" once, but he just mumbled, "dunno what you want me to do, I'm leaving soon." (come with me to put my best friend to death please?), and went back to "sleep". It was a few months before he ever confessed he wasn't really sleeping, (Uuh..DUH). Anyways.. From then, until like yesterday, I was consumed with dread over the death of a grandparent. I was able to push the fear away from my daily routine, until Thanksgiving 2011 when I was struck with an inexplicable, intense, terrifying awareness that my grandpa would be dying next thanksgiving; I pushed it into the irrational worries category until it turned out to be disturbingly accurate.Now that it has happen, and without such suffering as Arrow had, I expected myself to feel more relief than I do yet.

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