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Wobbly

Today is my adorable nephew's 8th birthday!! Yaay! I went down to his school and had cupcakes with his class today!

I am still having a lot of trouble with the passage of time, but it has calmed down considerably. I really want to know what I want. lol. I have a lot of trouble with decisions, and I am too short to be a flight attendant =/ I can't pass the height test. That really upsets me because I can RUN carrying 150% of my weight. I don't know if I could pick up that load from the ground, but I can DEFINITELY grab it from above me. I can put and get things from the top shelf without heels on. I am so qualified other than for the height requirement. I still wouldn't change myself. I really like the way I am, I just would change the rules of the airlines, lol. My self esteem is awkward and uneven. I am so inflated in some ways, and so down on myself in other ways.

Emotions intense, and regrets plenty. Oohh.. Freeze frame! Eeek. doodle doop. Maybe I should write a few things in my paper journal because I need to get a little too honest even if no one ever sees this; Here, floating in public space. Humbug.

I'm just always so sad, ALWAYS. I feel so done with it, yet somehow I can't get out. I always have tears just behind my eyes, ready to flow out at any moment. I feel overwhelmed with hurt so deep so deep flowing through the whole of me, and it doesn't seem to have an end; Maybe it's circular.
Edit at it and again.
Maybe toying with the idea that I'm holding on too tightly; Knuckle and finger fatigued. Maybe trying to guide too forcefully one way and not knowing how to allow life to occur naturally. So disappointed to still not be able to have control, while realizing the detriment of the desire. Grappling.
Battling with this and failing to grasp it.
I'm falling so far, so hard, just watching as I continue faltering without being able to catch a balance; Consistently I stumble. At least I can follow through with one thing, even damaged.
Twist it up and wind it around until it equates to success somehow.
Somehow, I'm sure.

My mind constantly ruminates on suicide. Accidentally obsessing, always. It's not something I want to do, but still on neutral, it's where my mind lands. I think of all the ways I *would* if I *ever did*, but then I try to remind myself of all the whys I wouldn't. I couldn't. I just wish I could stop stopping at it, gawking at it as I attempt to pass by without glancing.
It's a black hole. A vacuum. I think of things like how I would never want to leave a mess of myself for anyone to clean up, or discover. I would want to somehow dispose of my remains in the process. I wouldn't want to leave behind any debt or disarray of any kind. Just a clean slate. It doesn't seem possible, and at the depths of my soul, I know it isn't what I would want to do. I just get so caught up in thinking and dreaming about it. It disturbs me, and allures me; Intrigues, yet disgusts me.

As much as I disdain certain circumstances I have made for myself, I still love so many things about the family I have, and the person I am. I wouldn't want to lose out on the privilege of living through to the finale of whatsoever I will be, will be; I realize, I AM *already* beautiful. I am part worried, and part unconcerned about the level to which I obsess over the concept. I kind of know, or kind of hope that the fascination comes from the penhandler in me. The one who loves to paint a million different depictions of life on a canvas in writing; Watching strangers pass and making up stories for where they're going and what they're all doing.
Someways I drown inside myself.
I try to take the things that bother me, and create dreams with them like playdough. It doesn't always work. It can get messy and awkward; I may become too intimate with ideas best kept distant, but it's derived from the right mind, I really do believe.
It's just that I am a person with a certain type of intensity. It kicks my freakin' ass, and still I haven't a clue how to ease up on it. Ohh. It could, I pray it does wind up turning me into something amazing that will finally make me understand why I am .
Wow, "Wind up turning", how dizzy, disconcerting, and utterly nauseating that sounds; Which, ironically: Offers me a great sense of relief, for now!

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
ext_1669262
Feb. 25th, 2013 05:34 am (UTC)
Please rethink being a flight attendant. I don't think the airlines are where you want to be now. They're having a tough time now and I expect several big fights between management and labor. Strikes, lockouts, anger and bitterness. I don't think you'd do well with anger throughout.

Could you find out what you like about being an attendant and applying it to a job in a happier industry?
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )

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