?

Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

It starts off with a disturbing nightmare. Isn't it always something like that? I wonder where it goes this time... It is definitely a mystery, with a negative spin on it, for now; As are the whereabouts of my air mouse.
I feel so full of frustration. For some reason, I have no idea what to do, and am submerged in this confusion OVER THE SAME FUCKING SAME ASS PROBLEM I've BEEN STRUGGLING WITH FOR FUCKING FUCKING EVERRRR. MOTHER FUCKER. I just want to kick my ass.

ugh. I have absolutely no clue what to do. I suck at some things, admittedly. Its just that I also MUST FIGURE THIS OUT WITH NO HELP. AGhh. I am even too embarrassed to say exactly what it is that I am struggling so terribly with =/. I am at my wits end. This is a metaphor for life. I wish I could get away from myself!!!!! I am so fucking sick of my shit.

You know what else? I never realized how much more courageous and balls-to-the-wall it is to have my blog so public. At first, I felt like it was more presumptuous to be friends only, since I hoped to expand my horizons, assuming I would be able to make any friends >_<. It's way more daring this way, and much less easy to make friends =/. At the same time, it helps me remember that all I really need is myself and my writing, and all I can hope is to be intriguing enough for others to want to read more...

I am so stuck and I am SO STUCK OMG. I AM TRAPPED AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO, and I can't stop crying and its really seem like I've just been having a constant breakdown for entirely way too long and I need to figure out how to figure it out. I feel so against seeking help, but I am so incredibly trapped. Broken. AGGHHHH

Hey, but hey; REMEMEMBER!! I also said that the glass jammed down my fingernail bed was a metaphor for life that I had to solve on my own...and even though it required me to dig down into my finger tip right to the bone; I DID IT, I DID IT MYSELF, ALL THE WAY!! I CAN DO ANYTHING!!!! Remember that!! RARHRH! I AM AN ITTY BITTY BEAST and I have to come up with a special "CONQUER THIS (BULL)SHIT" dance.
Smile princess,
I love yourself.
:)
p.s
I HATE the new iTunes update.

I went to my grandma's house today to vacuum, and to bring over the beautiful picture my friend gave me; Of Psalm 23, which was my grandpa's favorite. She told me I should keep it, and I could feel myself crumble as I told her I wanted to put it in Papa's room. I got in there, and I couldn't push the memory away, of my mom sitting by his side and reading the verse to him just after he passed. I couldn't keep my emotions contained, and I didn't want to cry. I tried so hard to wipe it away, but for the first time throughout this whole ordeal, even though I stopped crying, I couldn't hide the aftermath of it from my face. I just feel like it has been long enough where I shouldn't be crying all the time anymore. I am crying again even now. I can't hold it back, otherwise I'll get a huge pounding headache. Might as well let it out now that I'm by myself anyhow. I feel like he's more gone than he was before now, somehow. It doesn't make sense to me... I knew from the beginning that he wasn't going to come back, but it seems like there was a teeny tiny piece of me that still believed he would.

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
ext_1669262
Feb. 25th, 2013 05:37 am (UTC)
It takes time. My mother passed ten years ago, and I still feel like I should be able to call her.

Does it mean something to you to do this alone? You have friends.
wrecktangle
Feb. 26th, 2013 03:24 am (UTC)
The specific thing I was talking about, which I am too embarrassed to say exactly; I do need to do alone. Most things, I need to do alone in order for them to be worth anything. If I elicit help with these things, it will end up putting me at a disadvantage, and it will all come undone around me worse than before.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

Profile

Eyedea
wrecktangle
Kismet Witstatic
Facebook

Latest Month

December 2017
S M T W T F S
     12
3456789
10111213141516
17181920212223
24252627282930
31