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Ambiguity

I feel so ridiculous and emotional and hateful. I don't want to hate. It makes me cry, the way I hate. Why is love so simple for others to happen upon, and it's like pulling teeth for me to even keep a friend? Am I unlovable? What is so fucking terrible? Why is it so hard to imagine loving me? Usually I find it easy to do- but right now, maybe I see what it is that makes me so repelling. I just wish I could escape from myself. I just wish I could melt into someone's arms and feel safe. Why do I have to be alone?

Sometimes i can understand and respect it. I imagine myself having many issues with a breakup if I had someone through this time. I would equate their presence with my ability to survive. I can't do that now because there is no pattern of presence to correlate with.

At the same time, I just... ugh. I really want to die. I really do.
I can't leave behind such a mess. I could never leave anyone with this mess, I have to do everything I can to clean it up before i leave here.

Comments

( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
cold_wolf77
Jan. 25th, 2013 07:13 am (UTC)
I felt a unrelenting desire to be alone, I get pleasure from being sad and alone. It's like being happy that your slowly dying from a snakes poison. I thought my white hair symbolized how short my life has become and the more white hairs I have, the shorter my life will be. But I didn't just let myself feel this way, I would go out and find some sort of meaning to keep me going, but I could not. I would never commit suicide, at heart I'am a fighter who would go tooth and claw before surrendering my life, but I knew that I was ready to leave this world. I felt like I didn't belong in this world, I didn't fit anywhere. So I was willing to join the military where many men like myself who felt like they didn't belong could do something with their life and willingly sacrifice their lives for the sake of something bigger than themselves. However that idea died because I did not want to be a pawn of the governments agenda. Now, I don't want to leave, not until I do something to help change this world, to help defeat the corruption of the higher power. I want to take part in the war against evil, and sinister beings, I hope to play a part that will make a difference in this world. Then, I will die peacefully. My feelings of
cold_wolf77
Jan. 25th, 2013 07:16 am (UTC)
To acquire grand spirituality and my ambitions are the solace for my existence that appeared to be of little meaning to me in the past. I could slump into depression because I wonder a lot about why I'am here, but I have been through the dark sinister world that continues to eat away at you. The happiness I felt was good enough to hide the sickening feeling inside my heart
wrecktangle
Jan. 26th, 2013 12:47 am (UTC)
Bah.
Good for you.
wrecktangle
Feb. 6th, 2013 01:43 pm (UTC)
Hide!? Masking pain and decay is never ever a good thing. Either you shine light on it, becoming more familiar with it, which leads you to either cleaning it away, or understand what is valuable about it? But hiding is like what i did last year with my tooth- on some real shit all the way from
Feb to aug
ext_1669262
Feb. 25th, 2013 05:41 am (UTC)
You've kept me as a friend for years now. It's not as hard for you as you think.
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )

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