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    I wrote this around the same time as my main issue took root, and poked through to meet the light at the surface of my consciousness. I have a few things I need to ask myself about it.:

(Detail): The left leg is specified for two reasons: 1, most importantly- I love to be able to feel and hear the heartbeat of another person. I have a bit of an issue with my own heartbeat; Particularly, that it is overly responsive to what is happening around me.
LOL! Maybe it likes the game I play. When I hear noises, I like to copy them. I try to match the tone of the vacuum's moan; Imitate  the 'pop' of opening a can of soup, or soda. Sometimes I'll catch myself feeling irritated by the sound of a car alarm before I remember the potential for amusement I could have if i emulate that; Then I do, and it makes me explode with laughter.
So, my heartbeat plays a version of this game, by mimicking any rhythm it can pick up on for about a minute. I can't stand it sometimes- specially when it's my damned windshield wiper blades, which only function on the highest setting, which I estimate to maybe be 140bpm. When I am relaxing, I've seen heart rate go as low as 38bpm. Sometimes, just chillin', I see my heart rate hover at 125bpm. I borrowed my grandpa's little device to measure, since I've always suspected myself to have an oddball heart beat speed. What I've noticed so far while monitoring, the biggest oddball trait my heart rate has, is being a major copycat. I realized this without the heart monitor when the big dog comes and lays down on top of my legs in the times when I'm having trouble sleeping. If he stays there, and goes to sleep, he puts me to sleep by allowing my heartbeat to match his.
Because of this, I would prefer to be on my partner's left side so that my heart can follow theirs, and so they don't detect my heart's erratic nature.
Right now it just jumped from 70 to 113, I think from noticing my need to urinate? lol. I suppose it made me excited; *Blush*.. Eeeee either way, this is somewhat of a tangent. The second reason I pick the left side is because, the very ONE time I ever manifested the courage to tuck my feet beneath the knees of a very specific "he", and shimmy his arm so it would be wrapped around me: It was his left side, without my trying for it. ahh actually, I think I went for his right side first, and he told me to switch. ahhhh.

So, From this comes two questions:
1. What happens if I fall apart? Why does it display itself to me as a thing I want to avoid? Is this a form of evil deceit? Temptation?
(This question mandates fresh exploration)

2. How am I supposed to handle old flames that stay kindled within my heart, exceeding the instance when his embers from that same spark, have already ashen and become distant in his memories?
(Response): "With our hearts, and our emotions, we keep it inflamed; We won't let it go", "We throw kerosine on the emotion so it will feel more real". (more Pema Chodron quotes). Ok, One reason I've identified, that is almost certainly why I did this is: My sexual confusion. It was such a small spark- like the ones made by my Barbie doll's roller-blades; I didn't know whether or not it was real. I wanted so badly to cater such feelings, I had to provoke them in order to even pinpoint them.

-----Original piece----:
            You are laying on your back, with your arms wrapped loosely around me; My head is on your chest, both of my legs, twisted around your left leg. You run your fingers along my arms- searching for my hands. You find two balls of knuckles knotted around themselves- tangled tightly in tension, with no intent to release themselves.
        You begin to work your thumbs in between my knots until you access my palms; Which you proceed to squeeze- Firmly pressing your thumbs into them, while you cradle my hands in your outer fingers. Only then, does my grip even begin to loosen. You whisper into my ear,
        "Relax, you can let go."
        "I can't let go... Or I'll fall apart." i rebut.
        "I've got you. I will keep you safe; You can let go, it's okay"
        
        You squeeze me with your whole body,
        "Relax", you say.
        
        I sob into you. My whole body convulses through waves of weeping. My eyes soak through your shirt.
        I begin to clench myself together again- resisting your hug; I'm afraid to overwhelm you, i don't want to repel you with my emotion.
        " please let go, i promise you're safe". You say , as you overpower me with your embrace
        "I'm here", you repeatedly whisper in my ear.
        I stop trying so desperately to hold myself together. I let go- i give myself to you. All throughout this storm, you are gently rocking me, continually soothing me with your words,
        "I've got you. I'm here."
        
        ----
random word play
----
Presence Presents: Present prevalent precedence. Benevolent relevance relative to the present presiding president
   

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wrecktangle
Jan. 9th, 2013 06:21 am (UTC)
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