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Digital recording devices are infamous for their inability to truly capture the curves of an analog sound. The transition from rawness to recording causes the sound to become pixellated. The volume or tone of the raw sound can also blow out the speakers or microphone. This happen today with my attempt to record myself. Although I know better, I ignorantly kept my phone on speaker. I wanted to make sure my recording wouldn't get cut off without me noticing. UGh. Hmh. I'm going to set that recording to private and try again tomorrow maybe. Now here I sit; Getting all technical, defending myself to NOBODY. Might as well leave this all public; It stays private either way.

I know I'm not really alone, but sometimes it honestly feels like there's no one on this planet with me. Like I could scream at the top of my lungs, over and over again until I lose my voice and the sound STILL wouldn't reach another soul.

Einstein defines 'insanity', as continuing to repeat something, expecting a different result. I don't think I'm being fair to myself on this coin, because I haven't been forthcoming as to what exactly it is in my behavior that emulates my previous actions. I know what it is though. Ready to admit it Georj? Here goes: It can best be summed up using the words of Pema Chodron, in the book I am reading by her, called, "When Things Fall Apart", She said it in such a way; I felt caught.
Exposed by her intimate knowledge of what I thought were my most hidden secrets.

"We don't waste the gift of speech in expressing our neurosis.". (She said it in context of what she has achieved on the road I am attempting to follow in; To becoming a Boddiastava.)

Last year, I was telling someone how I felt as though I were a stray balloon, and he; Something solid, with the capability of connecting me back to the world. He refused to allow me to grasp at the concept of being anchored to the ground.
I spent the remainder of the year, and seven days of this year; Trying to find a floor. Trying to stand my ground, as opposed to floating; Not aimlessly, yet without clear directive.

I guess, in this metaphor: 'Solid ground' to me, would be a person who understands, and loves me. Someone whom I also love. And although I perceived myself to be a stray balloon- before I sought solidity in some form of humanity; I had a much stronger bond with God than I perceive myself as having now. I stayed transparent and my entire inner dialogue was also a prayer.

The issue started when I was missing my ex so much, I decided to write a really sappy poem. I also wrote a poem about a voluptuous heart which requires a robust ensemble that will comfortably accommodate it's extensive depth, yet this heart tries to squeeze into skimpy, tight outfits which simply cannot contain it's utter magnitude. Not only is it impossible to shrink the size of one's heart; It's self sabotage.

I was afraid of the idea that I could actually dedicate my entire soul to loving God. A nun: Never to take on a lover. I felt that I didn't have an interest in sexuality. I was confused by, and resistant of this idea because it greatly reduced my chances of ever being significant enough for someone else to love. I could accept the idea of temporarily loving only God; but, I was unsettled by this as my absolute eternal destiny.
In search of my sexual identity, I dislocated this profound, spiritual interconnectedness.

Ohhh, do I miss You, my dear Lord. You were my valentine last year; You made my primrose plant survive the equivalent of an earthquake-tornado, just to show me your holy charisma.
Will You ever forgive me?
Would You take me back?

I am ready. I am willing to renounce my desire to be loved by a human. I just want to be infused with YOU again.
I really do.
And it has taken me far too long to proclaim this as my truth.

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
wrecktangle
Jan. 9th, 2013 06:05 am (UTC)
wrecktangle
Feb. 6th, 2013 02:02 pm (UTC)
This earns the title or my best entry through the month of Jan
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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