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Anger

So, in anticipation of guests arriving, I moved out of my grandma's house. I was in her guest room, and I didn't *need* to take up a guest bed. I just wanted to be there to keep her from being alone. I don't like the idea of her being alone even though I know she can totally handle it.
Anyway...She told me, "Don't feel like you can't leave a few of your things here, I know you're coming back soon!" I took my toothbrush with me, but I left the carrying/charging case, and spare head, along with various other toiletries in the bathroom. I made sure not to leave it cluttered.

There was an issue with the plumbing on the day of the funeral, and my aunt who was staying there, decided to help my grandma by cleaning up in the bathroom; Don't get me wrong, So far I think that's wonderful. The thing is; I left my toothbrush case in the cabinet above the sink. That is nowhere near the toilet or floor. So, WHY, did she throw it away? I saved up for awhile for that fancy toothbrush, and without a charger it's just a bulky manual toothbrush. I felt soo angry at her.
I did find the piece I was missing...though it was all wet and in the same trash-bag as the toilet brush. >=| SHE THREW AWAY EVERYTHING!!! His lotion, his neo sporin and badages, his comb, his cologne, his talcum powder, WHAT THE FUCK!?!?! Good thing I put his brand new electric razor in a hidden place.. My grandma did tell me to do that, maybe I should have emphasized the underlying meaning of that; i.e: Nothing around is safe. This whole thing INFURIATED ME!!! I haven't been able to get un-mad about it. I don't really want to be angry anymore. I know she was trying to be helpful; It just came out as heedlessness. RAHH!! This event stimulated me to be constantly enraged though. I HATE BEING MAD!!!! RARRRRGH!!!
I am one haughty little miss.

I feel like all the acceptance I was experiencing before, was actually a result of embracing my inner-numbness. Now I feel it, hot, and raw, I feel it; AND I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THIS. IT FUCKING SUCKS, YOU KNOW? AYOWWW. IT HURTS. I miss him so much. He was a part of the majority of my days; His absence gnaws at my heart now.

At first, I was a little disgusted that my grandma would tell me it was safe to leave things there, when it would have been better for me to take everything. But, then I realized that many of her valued items had also been thrown away. These are Heedless helping hands, I say.
-----

Over drinks with my mom on Saturday night, We had some deep topics of discussion.. She made me feel really good about myself. Last Thanksgiving, I was hit with this huge wave of sadness. I knew then, that my grandpa wouldn't live for another Christmas. These feelings though, are things no one wants to believe, or know of. They are easier dismissed and written off as unfounded worries

In the summer, when he made his famous "Rosettes", which are special Norwegian Christmas cookies, I ate a couple, and hoarded them; Knowing deep down, somehow: These would be the last of them, from him. I need to get some resin, and turn the prettiest of them into ornaments, to satiate the guilt I feel for not having enjoyed them. The last thing I want to do is part with them...not after all this trouble I've taken to save them. AHH.

All year this year, I made myself more available than usual, but less available than I wish I had been. This fall/winter semester, I didn't even sign up for classes at all. I hate the fact that I knew, and didn't do better. I wasted so much time while he was still here, mourning him, already. I screened their calls. I feel so selfish for that. Thankful for the voice-mails; I did return their calls. I just wish I would have let him know better, how deeply I cherish him. I think he knew anyway.

My mom cried, and apologized for "leaving me to the wolves", (the wolves being the situation, of course. Not the folks). She recognized the fact that I've been putting my life on hold, forcing me to acknowledge it. She shook her head at me for guilting myself over not being as far ahead as I think I should be. It felt so gratifying and amazing to hear that from her. No one else could have invoked that feeling in me. It was onnly from her I needed approval. She did "leave me to the wolves", but only to her detriment. I am wealthy with pleasant memories, and the knowledge that I made a difference in my grandparents' existence. I made him breakfast a couple times, the way he'd done for me almost every day of my life. Even though I could spend forever wishing I'd been there more, I can take solace in the fact that I was there at all. I can understand the influence that would cause a person to check-out. She saw the fragility in her aging parents, it was just too much for her. I hope that she does what she needs to do to avoid the bitter isle of 'what could have been'. That isn't our promised land.

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Eyedea
wrecktangle
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