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Le Vodkatini-Vixen

I love you more than anything..
It's really hard for me to communicate with you. I wish you would understand that I do want you to be honest… but in return, I would like to be able to be honest too. I feel like you are trying to prevent me from feeling my own emotions when you tell me to stop crying- like I could actually control it or something. You have to understand that when I fell in love with you, a layer of protection was removed from me. I am more exposed to you than to anyone. Just because I have an emotional reaction to some things you say doesn't mean I don't want you to say them. I just wish you could be a little more sensitive sometimes. You say that I'm not considering your feelings - but I gave you a key to my house without even thinking twice about it. I gave you my entire self, and that's something I feel that you still haven't done. Maybe I could understand your feelings more if you would actually give yourself to me too.
I know you apologized for calling me crazy- but just as you demonstrated with my statement about sleeping in my own bed- you can't take things back that easily. In order to prevent further conflict between us, I will no longer stay at your house without you there, and I will no longer go out with you at all. I'm sorry that you don't trust me in your house, or enjoy my company among friends. That deeply hurts me, but you are very meaningful to me, so I would rather compromise those moments, than lose you. You may reply that you never said those things. But the things you said were much more powerful- and would lead me to believe that these are your desired results. Maybe in the future, these things will change, but I don't want to fight with you anymore, and I feel this is what you want- If it's not, please correct me, but you made it clear to me today that it is what you want. I do not feel that I put words in your mouth- You bitterly requested your key back, so I gave it to you, and I no longer want it in my possession at all. You explained that you don't like to deal with my emotions while at the bar or club- so I won't go with you anymore.
Sometimes I don't understand why you love me. You say I am so much work, you don't trust me in your home, and you don't want to include me in your fun with friends. Sometimes I really don't understand what you see in me. It frustrates me more than anything to fight with you because I always feel like you want to leave me. It drives me crazy thinking of you leaving me. Feeling this deep of love for you comes with a price- for as much of my heart as you get, the more I will lose when you leave me. I feel like you have my whole heart right now- so If you left me, my entire heart would go with you, and I would be dead without a heart.

When I'm angry or extremely emotional- like I said, over and over and over and over and over again- after every single conflict we have had…. I NEED 20 MINUTES ALONE/ BY MYSELF TO CALM DOWN. YOU CANT EXPECT ME TO HAVE AN ADULT CONVERSATION WITHOUT GIVING ME TIME TO CALM DOWN.
I DONT CALM DOWN INSTANTLY- I'M NOT SUPERHUMAN LIKE YOU. SORRY. SO IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOU CAN'T DEAL WITH MY EMOTIONAL OUTBURSTS ANYMORE- THEN LEAVE ME ALONE (without making me feel like you're going to leave me forever) LIKE I HAVE CONSTANTLY REQUESTED SINCE THE FIRST TIME YOU HAVE EVER SEEN ME MAD!!!

PLUS…to me, your idea of having an adult conversation, is you insulting me, and expecting me to respond cordially. It hurts me more than anyone can when you insult me, because I chose you to be my love, and your words mean more to me than anyone's words. That doesn't mean I don't want you to be honest with me- but i should be able to remain true to you as well in those moments. Honestly, if you think such mean things about me, that would make me cry, why do you love me so much? do you really love me if you think such things about me? This situation completely breaks my heart, and I don't understand it. Please don't leave me for expressing this… please don't say to me that you think I don't want to be with you- because I do, more than anything. I just don't understand what you want from me in these times...

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