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Letter to Ben

October 19, 2011






♪“My heart's a stereo
It beats for you, so listen close
Hear my thoughts in every no-o-o-te
Make me your radio
Turn me up when you feel low
This melody was meant for you
Just sing along to my stereo”♬

October 19th is the anniversary which I graduated high school in 2006. The date makes me think about all kinds of different things. Mainly, Christal Gordon. She was my best friend in high school, and the reason I graduated a quarter (of a year) behind schedule.
When her car broke down, my grandpa decided to give her the $200 to fix it. He said she never had to pay him back, as long as she promised to take me with her if I needed to go where she was already headed. We worked at the same place, and had classes on the same campuses, so it seemed like a fair deal…

One day, she decided she hated my necklace. I don’t know exactly why? Maybe it’s because we were both fat girls (neck in neck) , and the necklace inexplicably gave me an extra grain of confidence. Maybe it was a reason I have yet to comprehend. Whatever it may have been; She said she wouldn’t take me to our next class if I didn’t take my necklace off, and I wouldn’t.
She never took me to that class again; I had to drop it-causing me to graduate late, and her: early.
Her decision infuriated me at first. I refused to forgive her. She ended up graduating a quarter (of a year) ahead of schedule, in December 2005. That also made me feel so angry at her.

My anger caused me to behave in ways that I will never forgive myself for today. I decided to tell her deepest secret to her crush.

--
How stupid and immature was I?!
UGH.
Fast forward to July of 09...
She dies on highway 225.

Now I’m ahead in life.

♩“Appreciate every mixtape your friends make
You never know we come and go like on the interstate”♫


(http://www.thedenverchannel.com/news/20198778/detail.html)
(newspaper article of Christal's fatal accident)

✩╰★╮✩


It no longer matters that she graduated before me. The triviality of the issue is nauseating. The lack of substance in the subject is disgraceful. It’s shaming. Weather or not I understand the motive of her actions; I forgive her. I grieve over this reality.
She was robbed of her chance to feel happy like I have felt. I mean… The afterlife may offer eternal bliss, but that doesn’t take consequence away from her loss of turn here, now to achieve success.
I’m sure if she was granted the same chance as I, to mature; She would feel contrite, as I.

♬“If I could only find a note to make you understand
I'd sing it softly in your ear and grab you by the hand
Just keep it stuck inside your head, like your favorite tune
And know my heart's a stereo that only plays for you”♩

I’ve been able to watch as my dreams bloom into lush fruits, while continuing to produce plentiful nectar to sustain my next endeavor. I have had the chance to witness my own limitless potential


She used to stare at this old picture of herself. She was obsessed with the girl she was. The girl she had somehow ceased to be. She was never able to return to the past, or get a grasp on the prospective identity she could become from possibility. She never seemed to recognize her true significance. Never truly cognizant of what magnificence she possessed.


Somewhere over the rainbow, you can’t contend with that view.
It is the destination all dreams pursue.
The location that facilitates potential that is resolute.

Somewhere over the rainbow, bluebirds fly
when the time is right, you can hitch a ride
one might decide to supply you with sweet lullabies
if the desire strikes him in the depths of the sky

It would behoove you to stay mindful
sustain an abundant, phantasmic eye full
declare your home in this moment, among this starry night
Your company provides the sky a substantial delight

up on a star your wish does land
thriving to sizes greater than you wagered
blessings blossoming more prosperously than you planned


♪“I think I finally found a note to make you understand
If you can hit it, sing along and take me by the hand
Just keep me stuck inside your head, like your favorite tune
You know my heart's a stereo that only plays for you”♪



This year’s outlook for those of us born in the year of the dragon is rather grim. I acknowledge how lucky I actually am in comparison to a lot of my closest friends. Most of my pain has been transcendental. To be perfectly honest, all of my distressing experiences have generously yielded me with profound wisdom.


the fact that you believed in her, made her real.
when I sought you out in the summer before 8th grade, I lied to you. Twisted the truth. Not always. Mostly regarding my wishes and dreams. I told you I was she, whom I wished I would be.
The fact that you believed in her with your mental material; Generated authentic fibers for her to wield into actuality. The power of your thought helped her assert reality.

This happens with every story. If a being exists, only within one mind; It is that mind in which this being’s life thrives.

You once painted a portrait of spiders inside my mind. With this appalling image; You save my life. Deep inside me, there is a defense mechanism programmed with this story. Whenever my subconscious feels attacked by an outside source, it manifests in the form of spiders. They attack me first in my dreams. If i’m too dense to receive the message, they start to leave physical bites that only vanish when I truly recognize, and rectify the complication.
The Spider bites her to spite her.
Your spiders became real inside me.

The spirit of every notable essence grows in the fluctuation of contemplation. It’s domain is extended through each mind it is comprehended within.

I read through my old diary. It covered the span from 6th-10th grade. I can honestly say: That little girl’s dreams all came true. Even the ones that seemed improbable- like, a genuine genetic older brother, and about eight younger half siblings.

But, “the map is not the territory”. I spend so much time contemplating the reasons for why I am, though it does not at all precipitate my awareness. I can make traces back to a time when an eccentric behavior of mine originated, and make clear deductions as to why I began to do those things. This however, does not help me grow to transcend these quirks. Even when I fully recognize and admit to the ways that I am obstructed by these mannerisms. What am I missing? (This description is very vague. I will elaborate upon request, but you have the right not to know.)

Last time I sent you a heartfelt message, it was to inform you about my special new relationship. It lasted for a year and two months. She turned out to be a raging alcoholic. I’m not saying that i’m perfect- but i’m present. I was really stupid to have let it last as long as it did. I earnestly confronted her. I can honestly say I did everything I could do to keep our love alive- within reason. I can’t be content with an alcoholic. There are times I almost regret everything. Times when my soul was battered until it shattered into tatters. But at least now I know when to say when. I know that whenever that is- there will unfailingly be a, ‘what if’. Always something I feel I could’ve, think I should’ve, or wish I would’ve done. The real question is, for what?. A human being can only do so much...
-



Oh my GOD! I am so terrified of growing up; Of failing life. I don’t want to give up so much of my time. I want to feel able to give, and do, and be. I want to do art, and write. I want to change the world. I H AVE TO CHANGE THE WORLD. but how, here? how? I am paralyzed by fear. I am so scared, I am shaking. I hear voices in the white noise. They ridicule me. They hate me. They know all my deepest secrets. It thinks i’m already a failure. It’s me. My own voice. I fight it, and fight it just CONSTANTLY. But here, right now…it’s getting the best of me.
I’m so confused. I just wish i knew. There are so many things I want to do- but I feel my heart rate escalate, my body starts to shake. I am so afraid of failure. Everyone seems to know I’ll succeed. I wish I could see what they see…..

Deep down, I know too. I know I will succeed- It’s even what the contemptuous voice inside myself wants. It craves to be proven wrong. When it is- it will ignite, as a match upon strike; Transform from this cold, hollow doubt, into fervent waves of satisfaction…


“Stereo Hearts- Gym class heroes, Adam Levine”

“Alfred Korzybski”

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